Drowning

OK, I guess I owe you all an update about my first day in the new job yesterday.

Yesterday was a lot of learning where things are kept, learning my way through mazes of rooms, learning the order in which they do things, how machines work, everyone’s names…….  It was all a bit of an information overload and when I came home I had a splitting head ache.  Anxiety was making my skull cave in and my throat close up. Then my brain started to go fast.

I don’t know what it is with my brain.  I assume that when most people get tired connections slow down.  With me, it’s the opposite.  I get so tired everything speeds up and goes loud.  I was sincerely regretting leaving my old job.  Imagination preceded me again and I thought about leaving after just one day to go back to my old job. I wasn’t in my right mind, but, due to the attack of the mentals, I could hear Jack and Charlotte voices so we had our own therapy session and I realised that -

a) I don’t deal well with change and that is why I avoid it.  Eventually this big change will be “normal” and it will no longer be change.  I just need to be strong and hold out.

b) I can’t go back to my old job as it was making me ill. Even if I don’t like change.

c) Killing myself wasn’t really an option, just because I didn’t like the decision I made at this current moment (although it’s worrying me that the new place does not lock the dangerous drugs away).  My mind will probably change anyway.

d) The fact that I hadn’t eaten all day was adding to my insanity, fast thoughts and wanting to kill myself, so I should probably just eat something and go to bed. So I ate something and went to bed.

All night I was worrying about what would happen on my second day, as I would be the theatre nurse.

This is really stressful because, once again everything is different and different Vets expect different actions from the nurses.  The equipment is also very different and I worry that I’m going to set up a machine wrong and accidentally kill something.

I had nightmares that animals were waking up from anaesthesia in the middle of surgery, I had been left alone to cope with it all, but didn’t know where to find anything and all the animals were drowning in their own pee because I didn’t have time to clean them out.  When I woke up this morning it felt like I’d already worked a double shift.

This morning I told the other nurses about my dream and they laughed.  Not in a cruel way but in a way which I knew meant they wouldn’t let it happen.  They have been very supportive of my first day of operating and I had plenty of help.

So today I feel much better about the move I’ve made than I did yesterday.  Of course, it’d be so much easier to go back to the safety and routine of my old job, but that is never going to happen.

Love to all my Cheerleaders, Sailor xox

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