I keep looking at the date. It’s the 15th January and I keep thinking “is that all?”. I don’t know what I’m waiting for though. Or perhaps it is when am I waiting for.
Every week I look forward to the weekend. Perhaps that is what I’m waiting for, as I keep thinking it is only Tuesday. I feel like I’m wasting my life waiting for the weekend. As much as I love my job, I’d rather be at home because if I have a “funny” five minutes I can do it in private and recover in my own time. If I have a funny half an hour it doesn’t matter. I can be myself, sane or slightly mental. I’m bored with faking it or concealing it and dulling it down so people won’t notice or trying to stifle it and prevent it from spilling over. At the weekend I don’t have to fake it, I just go with the flow. I allow myself to be what I am, because that is OK.
I can’t imagine living like this for the rest of my life. Is this normal? We are born, we grow up, we go to school, college, graduate, work 9-5 until we are in our sixties and retire for a few years before we die. It seems wrong. I can’t do this for another 30 years.
Faking normality tires me out. It’s not every day that I have to do this, but if there are a run of days it is exhausting. The constant control of my feelings, monitoring my emotions to see if they are correct for the situation or on the “borderline” of being a psychosis and keeping the anxiety from spilling over is physically and mentally draining. I keep thinking “will I have to do this until I am 60?”. Will there be any relent? Part of the accept and commitment I made to therapy means that I should accept this is the way things are, but it is exhausting. Sometimes there are not enough hours in the day, but given the choice I am so exhausted I’d be asleep for these hours anyway because I’m so tired.
Do people normally feel this tired? I don’t know, its felt this way forever. I can hardly contemplate going out after work and having a social life like “normal” people. Saturday afternoons are the days to get things done and sleep and Sunday I stay in the house so I can rest and catch up on sleep. I sometimes wish I could give up work and have a life, because at the moment it seems like work or exhaustion or sleep and it seems bloody pointless and unfair. Is it normal to feel so tired you just want to give up and not live until you are 60 because it all seems so tiring?
Blood tests say there is nothing wrong with my thyroid, or any part of my blood or endocrine system in fact. So why am I so tired all the time? Oh yeah. I’m struggling not to be a nut job. Any suggestions?
Love Sailor xox
Sorry you feel so tired. For what it’s worth, I feel tired all the time too. Like, all the time. But then again, I do have been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, hypothyroidism, and then of course depression, all of them cause constant tiredness.
Not related, but if dancing is letting your mental illness show, I had about 150 people who were showing theirs this past Saturday. And they were all smiling!
I was diagnosed with CFS when I was 18 (Jesus, that was 11 years ago), this feels similar, but then again I don’t actually know whether I really got over it because I’ve always felt varying degrees of tired. How do you cope with it? Do you have to work and deal with these illnesses? I don’t think I can put up with feeling like this forever.
I wish I could dance. Not only from an “I wish I wasn’t tired” point of view, but from an “I wish I could co-ordinate my feet” point of view too
xox
I am officially disabled. I can’t have a full time job. I was on disability for a while. I lucked out when my daughter’s boyfriend decided to open the dance school along with my daughter. Most of what I do for the school, I can do from home. And if I get tired, I can take a break or even a nap).
Dancing makes me very tired and sore, of course. But I’m in pain whether I dance or not so I rather be in a little more pain and have dance in my life.
I miss my life at the lab but that’s definitely something I can’t do anymore. I love my life now, I really do but it is not what I would have chosen. I just took the lemons and made lemonade
I’m sorry everything is getting too much at the moment. I feel tired all the time too, and like you say, pretending to be “normal” is exhausting. I don’t know how we are meant to do it! I can’t really give you any advice unfortunately (if I could I would take my own advice!) except maybe you could try meditation or something to help you relax? It might help with sleep, which might make you a little less tired. Hugs xxx
I sleep really well though, even if I don’t meditate, which I am too tired to do sometimes and I just want to crawl into bed. I’m sure this isn’t normal. I think I need to visit my GP again since I haven’t heard from my psychologist OR psychiatrist for 2 months :/ xox
Yeah it might be good to catch up with the GP and find out what’s going on there! I know what you mean about being constantly tired, my leisure time activity of choice is sleep! lol xxx
My GP did feck all and I was in a right state this morning. I went to CAMS and saw the crisis team, they were much more helpful than my GP and A&E put together with cherries and glitter on top xx
Hope you are ok. Hugs xxxx
I can relate to this so much, Im sorry, giant hugs.
Thanks sweet xox
constantly dealing with the extent of internal stuff we have to is so exhausting it’s unimagineable unless you experience it yourself. No wonder you’re tired xx
I really wonder what it feels like to be normal and, like, go to the shops after work and not totally freak out or just buy random stuff because you can’t think. I wonder what it’s like to go out and have a good time, not worry and suffer the day after. Intriguing xx
I feel the same. I manage over 40 staff at work … with all the interaction and talking required plus being introverted … I find myself tired and exhausted at the end of most days and weeks. I even asked someone yesterday, ‘Why does it feel like Friday when it is only Tuesday?’ I’ve just come back from over 3 weeks of Leave and within 2 weeks I am tired again.
Have been really trying to work out the difference lately between natural exhaustion from not having enough me time and the tiredness that comes with my depression. The solution will tell me whether it is good for me or not to isolate myself from others for a while – like your Sundays.
Everyone seems to have an idea, or suggestion
When I’m extremely tired all the time, it’s usually my depression and/or stress. Maybe the stress of the new job is having a subconscious effect? Are you rested when you get up in the morning?
You could be right. I wonder how long it’ll take for me not to feel stressed in my job? I don’t feel rested in the morning, even on the weekends when I wake up naturally without an alarm clock :/ xox
I hate to say it, but it may also be sleep apnea. It’s not always from being over weight, but can be from a narrow airway.
Maybe my airways are narrowed from constant anxiety
I’ll ask my psychiatrist next time I’m there if we can research more into why I’m always tired xox