I keep looking at the date. It’s the 15th January and I keep thinking “is that all?”. I don’t know what I’m waiting for though. Or perhaps it is when am I waiting for.
Every week I look forward to the weekend. Perhaps that is what I’m waiting for, as I keep thinking it is only Tuesday. I feel like I’m wasting my life waiting for the weekend. As much as I love my job, I’d rather be at home because if I have a “funny” five minutes I can do it in private and recover in my own time. If I have a funny half an hour it doesn’t matter. I can be myself, sane or slightly mental. I’m bored with faking it or concealing it and dulling it down so people won’t notice or trying to stifle it and prevent it from spilling over. At the weekend I don’t have to fake it, I just go with the flow. I allow myself to be what I am, because that is OK.
I can’t imagine living like this for the rest of my life. Is this normal? We are born, we grow up, we go to school, college, graduate, work 9-5 until we are in our sixties and retire for a few years before we die. It seems wrong. I can’t do this for another 30 years.
Faking normality tires me out. It’s not every day that I have to do this, but if there are a run of days it is exhausting. The constant control of my feelings, monitoring my emotions to see if they are correct for the situation or on the “borderline” of being a psychosis and keeping the anxiety from spilling over is physically and mentally draining. I keep thinking “will I have to do this until I am 60?”. Will there be any relent? Part of the accept and commitment I made to therapy means that I should accept this is the way things are, but it is exhausting. Sometimes there are not enough hours in the day, but given the choice I am so exhausted I’d be asleep for these hours anyway because I’m so tired.
Do people normally feel this tired? I don’t know, its felt this way forever. I can hardly contemplate going out after work and having a social life like “normal” people. Saturday afternoons are the days to get things done and sleep and Sunday I stay in the house so I can rest and catch up on sleep. I sometimes wish I could give up work and have a life, because at the moment it seems like work or exhaustion or sleep and it seems bloody pointless and unfair. Is it normal to feel so tired you just want to give up and not live until you are 60 because it all seems so tiring?
Blood tests say there is nothing wrong with my thyroid, or any part of my blood or endocrine system in fact. So why am I so tired all the time? Oh yeah. I’m struggling not to be a nut job. Any suggestions?
Love Sailor xox