I am chronically suicidal.
I don’t know where I got that phase from. It dawned on me yesterday how long it has been that I haven’t wanted to be alive anymore.
I remember arguing with my parents, when I was much, much younger, after I’d given up on life for the first time, that I never asked to be put on this planet, I never asked to be born so they couldn’t make me stay alive.
It is a miracle that I am alive. By chance I was the sperm who won the race and the egg who got chosen. It could’ve been any of them. By chance the surroundings were perfect. My zygote implanted and I grew into an embryo. During mitosis I grew a heart and a brain. My mother carried me until I was born. When I was born I could breathe for myself, with my lungs that had grown while I had rested. I am now a legacy of my mother and father, and their mothers and fathers and a long, long line of theirs.
Mum says all I did after I was born was cry. She couldn’t understand why. The nurses had to take me away. Perhaps even then I didn’t want to be born.
I don’t have a suicide plan. Sometime I have suicide ideations. I want to jump off a bridge into the cold sea, feel it spill over my skin, my breath punched out of me by the cold. A lot of the time I just don’t want to wake up. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to do another thirty years and another thirty years.
I can’t explain it. I know I am lucky to be here, I am lucky to be alive. But still, I don’t feel like I belong.
It could be the borderline that makes me see the world in a different light. There are a lot of people suffering in the world and I have it fairly easy. I have a nice house to live in, food, money, nice things and I am grateful for that. However it’s almost too much. It’s almost as if I can’t be happy because there are others that are unhappy, and then that makes me ungrateful and then I end up in a cycle, in a circle, constantly consumed by guilt.
My logic says the reason that we are put on this planet is to pro-create, after all isn’t this the reason for any organism, to keep it’s DNA in the gene pool?
I will never have children. I have no desire to share my DNA when I could potentially pass on all of my mental illnesses genetically? I don’t think I could live with the guilt or the fear of watching a product of myself suffer, adding to the suffering of humanity adding to the guilt.
My logic also says that so we can pro-create we need to interact physically and socially with other humans. I have many social interactions throughout the day and I don’t always want to, it would be easier not to. I have no interest in physical human interaction, but that could either be depression, PTSD or the fact that being borderline means I sometimes lack a sense of identity, so I don’t even know if I like men, women, neither or both. I don’t fit in with the social norms. I was not made to fit in with this planet.
The borderline means I love easily, but the love can quickly turn to hate, it’s safer for me not to feel anything, but when I don’t feel anything at all, it is just as scary and perhaps even a little more pointless. Even the people you think you can trust, you can’t trust.
I will never have children, I will never fall in love, so tell me why am I here? I have so much love to give, but no one to give it to. What is my purpose? Do I need a purpose? Why do I have to stay here when I never asked to be here in the first place? Will it feel this way forever? I don’t feel the need to leave a legacy, but I don’t want to die alone. I would just like to go to sleep and not wake up. Or better yet, never have been born.
Charlotte is quite present today. I like it when friends come to stay, but it does get loud in here. I think the idea is that we go to the island and rest for a while. We wish it was a real place, life would be so much simpler.
Love Sailor xox