I’m not really sure what’s going on in my head at the moment. Still just the usual really.
Trying to fake it to get through the day. Too many ideas, drawings and doodles that I can’t get down on paper quick enough and that make no sense whatsoever when I come back to them because really they are just snippets of conversations and pictures in my head and once they are on the paper I’m bored with them. Moments of high anxiety but then I forget about it because I move onto the next emotion, which can range from a blank dissociative state to hoping that the people who’ve crossed me or hurt me some way die a painful death, hopefully in a fire or falling down a hole. Then I go from living in the past, to living in the now and then worrying about the future, because realistically they all suck. Then I’m suicidal, but it’s ok because I know that’ll only last five minutes because I’ll move onto the next thing.
It’s tiring, but I’m faking that I’m a human being with regulated emotions.
I’ve had a few visual and auditory hallucinations this week.
It’s not like I see dancing pink elephants or melting trees. It’s more like my eyes don’t see things properly, or my brain doesn’t translate what it is actually seeing quick enough so interprets it as something else. I don’t hear sentences of voices telling me to do things, more like fractions of noises that I think are completely normal, but no one else hears it. I have heard a few words before, and that scares me more than anything because I think it’s actually a person there who shouldn’t be, but then I realise I’m hearing things and it’s actually less scary.
Yesterday I was sitting on the sofa in the living room and I heard mens footsteps walking down the hall. When I peered down the hall no one was there. Mum asked what I was looking at, she said she didn’t hear anything. I’ve seen bugs and figures too. Bugs are always fun. Scarily enough this has become so common now I don’t react when I see them any more. I’m just like “Oh, green bugs again”. Why are they always green? Lime green, glowing in the dark. Beautiful. But imaginary.
I didn’t realise that hallucinations are a characteristic of Bipolar, both in the depression and mania stages. I feel more borderline this week though, because my emotions are cycling so fast. Either way it doesn’t matter. It’s my normal, it’s annoying, but it’s normal.
I’ve just written a whole bunch of nothing. Oh well. Now I think I should delete all this and start again, but I’m kind of bored with writing now and just want to sleep.
Love Sailor xox