I always find myself troubling over dilemma after dilemma.
Perhaps it’s not really I dilemma, it’s just the borderline, but that’s a whole different dilemma.
Is the grass always greener? I don’t know, I guess it’s like asking is the glass half full or half empty. It depends which glass it is and what it’s half empty or half full of and how full it was in the first place. Who said with BPD you could only see things in black and white?
Back to the dilemma.
I knew I had to leave my old job. The Head Nurse was a nut job, and I say nut job in not a kind way. I’m a nice nut job. If I had to use a personality disorder to describe her it would be a narcissistic-sadistic type, but then again not everyone who is bipolar is a bitch, therefore not everyone who is a bitch has narcissistic personality disorder, she was, therefore, just a huge great pain in the anus of bitch.
W also turned into a nut job, accusing me of bullying her. I wonder if she was also borderline and that was why she couldn’t tolerate my borderline and thought my borderline was bullying, even though my borderline was just to ignor the hell out of her and then she’ll go away. Or it could just’ve been that she was also a bitch
The business was going nowhere. I was afraid they would shut down and I’d be out of a job or the stress of W and the Head Nurse being assholes would push me over the edge into another psychosis (not that it takes much, but you know, you have to look after yourself and avoid psychosis at all costs).
I was lucky to find another job straight away. Where I’m working at the moment is a lot busier, I get a lot of responsibility, I get to nurse quite a bit and there is a larger ratio of lovely people to narcissistic assholes, which is always nice. Also I get to work with L, who I previously worked with for 4 years (who is not a narcissistic asshole).
I don’t know if the perfect job exists, there are always going to be things that piss you off wherever you go. Certain things I can’t mention here (maybe I’ll do a password protected post) because I’m paranoid I’ll get found out, are things that shouldn’t piss me off, because they should be being done, therefore they are allowed to piss me off.
I also miss some of my patients. The biggest difference is that I have an extra qualification allowing me to do extra stuff and at the moment I’m not allowed to do the extra stuff, because they don’t do the extra stuff and I miss the extra stuff.
Today I found a job a little further away that would allow me to do extra stuff. They are also a hospital as opposed to a surgery. They are also accredited so there are certain rules and standards, they have to abide by which are regulated by an external body.
The downside (or maybe up side) is that its a Senior Nurse’s job, so would mean that I have to organise other people as well as nurse things. The upside would be more money. The downside would be more probably more stress and more stress equals more mentalness at certain times.
I don’t know.
I’ve applied for the job. I might not even be offered it. I might not want it. The upside is that I get to go and have a nose around another surgery.
But then the other dilemma is how guilty I would feel if I got the job and then had to leave my current job after only six weeks.
But then I realise I’m running far, far into some direction, in some ways catastrophising everything before I’ve even started and I just need to be mindful and be right here in the moment.
I’m glad I sorted that one out. Thanks for listening.
Love Sailor xox