I hate that I am so easily triggered by things.
Sure, I can be mindful, and live in the moment, but why does my brain find these connections in the most obscure things? Quick flashes of memories are not as bad as full-blown flash backs, but I still despise that my brain does this and I have to talk myself out of it. Every. Single. Time.
I hate that my dreams are sometimes so triggering.
Often my dreams are fantastical. My brain takes on real life events and uses the imagination to make them do odd things.
Last week when the meteor hit Russia I had a dream that the bigger one that was headed towards Earth was actually going to hit us and I didn’t care that we were all destined to die. My Dad made us a light-proof bunker (it was the light from the impact that killed you) and we all climbed in bin bags (again, fairly light-proof). Even in my dream I didn’t want to be alive and didn’t want to go into the bunker but I did it just to keep my family happy. After the meteor hit we were all still alive, but most of the other people in the world were dead, a few had the same idea as my Dad and survived. I hated myself because I forgot to take the rabbits into the bunker and they got chopped in half by the light. I was so selfish to forget about them. The meteor pushed Earths orbit closer to the sun so we had summer all the time.
Last night my brain took my thoughts and screwed them up even worse.
Last night I think I relived my whole life in a dream, in chronological order, mainly focusing on relationships I believe I have fucked up. It mainly concentrated on me trying to put these things right.
I was lonely in my dream. But then again I am lonely now. The people I “speak” with the most are on the other side of the world. Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself.
I’m trying to use the CBT I learnt last year to talk myself through this. I am trying to be mindful – it was a dream, it can’t hurt me, I am not living the dream. But it felt so real. I am not to blame for everything, even though it feels that way sometimes. I can’t be responsible for other people’s actions, but it does feel like I am the causative agent.
I don’t believe I am the centre of the universe and everything revolves around me, but it does often feel like, because of the BPD, that because I think differently to other people and others without BPD don’t understand, that I am constantly at fault. To screw up so many relationships in life, it must be my fault, not anyone elses because I have no idea what I am doing.
I need to find a way to stop being lonely but without being hurt. It doesn’t seem possible, not on this Earth with these aliens anyway.
Love Sailor xox