There are different shades of crazy, nevermind fifty shades of grey.
I was a big fish in a small pond, I thought I could do better, grow bigger and better in a larger pond.
Now I’m just a small fish and there are many other fish, some bigger, some smaller. I’m just one of the crowd. In some ways I don’t mind blending in. I never wanted to be noticed anyway, but I don’t like when you speak and there is so much noise from the other fish no one can hear you so you might as well stay silent.
I hate my voice, it’s probably why it’s never been very loud and always better at writing. No one can interrupt you. You can delete things when you say them wrong.
Mum doesn’t believe me when I say I want to be a hermit and never leave the house again. “What about art supplies?” she said. Duh, internet shopping. If I never had to leave the house again I wouldn’t. Even if I couldn’t visit the ocean I could still visit it in my head. That’s the dangerous thing because I feel like I have all that I need here and I could just give up.
Is it crazy if you think you’re fatter than you are? I found an iPhone app that you can track how many calories you’ve eaten. I’m restricting. I know I’m small but I think I’m huge. There is no logic in that because I know I’m small, but I see huge. Maybe I am worried about these thoughts and that’s why I said it. Every thing is out of my control so I go back to the old way of controlling what I eat.
My brain seems to know things I don’t. It remembers things the other me has forgotten and spring them on me, mostly in my sleep. When I wake up I remember all I had forgotten. I prefer the place between awake and asleep where I sit on my island and stare at the sea. Between two nowheres where I don’t want to be is somewhere. The only fish.
Love Sailor xox