I had a psychotherapy session yesterday. I didn’t start off in the best of moods.
The day before (Monday), I had an increasingly rare panic attack at work. I say increasingly rare, because although I’m an anxious person, constantly feeling on the edge of an anxiety attack, they don’t often spill over. But when they do spill over….. they are epic.
I went home from work feigning a stomach bug. I felt rather guilty, I hardly ever go home from work sick, but this panic attack made me feel ill, and I knew I’d have to go home and crash out after my adrenaline levels plummeted (and I did – I slept for two hours).
I know what cause the anxiety attack, but I don’t think that’s the point of this. The point is after the panic attack, using up all my adrenaline and feeling exhausted made me extremely grumpy and “there is no point to anything, I wish I was dead”.
My brain was acting up. It was saying some awful things. My brain (I don’t know who it is in there, I think Charlotte when she gets a bit angsty) finishes sentences with “and then we’ll kill ourselves” or “they’re coming to get us and then they’re going to kill us”. For example my brain thinks ” I’m thirsty, I’d better go and make a cup of tea,” then out of nowhere “and then we’ll kill ourselves” gets added to the end of the sentence. If I wanted to kill myself my priority wouldn’t be to have a cup of tea first. I hate the pre occupation my (our?) brain has with death sometimes.
But the annoying thing is, the begining of my psychotherapy session started with the normal question of “How are you feeling?”, and my reply was “I kind of don’t see the point in anything, I don’t want to be alive any more”. Throught the progress of talking for an hour about life, the universe and everything I came to the conclusion that “Everything matters too much, it hurts, I don’t want to be alive any more“.
So that’s it. Those are the two extremes. My answer to everything is death. So I will sit here in limbo for a few days until I find something new to obsess over and death is no longer the answer or the question.
And the thing that is more annoying that the answer to everything being death? I don’t have another psychotherapy session until the middle of September.
Love Sailor xox