Dislike

I hate that I want everyone to like me.

My mind is so confusing I don’t think I can begin to explain this one, although I’m sure there are other people who feel the same way.

I’m aware that personality clashes mean that not everyone is liked or likable.

Sometimes, with the BPD, I feel like I don’t have a personality, even though I’m sure I have one.  I can be defined by the thing I like, the people I interact with, my life experiences, my dislikes.  Yet sometimes I still feel the big fat empty lack of personality.

Sometimes, with the BPD, I soak up other people’s personalities.  I don’t mean to, but when you aren’t feeling yourself it is easy to be a social butterfly when you absorb other people like a sponge.  I try to be mindful.  I try to accept that my feelings of lack of personality make me want to consume other peoples.  I try to be aware that I am my own person and I can know what I like and dislike.

I hate that sometimes, because I want to be liked and accepted, I pretend to like things I don’t. I know I’m doing it.  I have no excuse.  Now I know I do it, I do it a lot less, but I still feel guilty about it because I don’t want to be a liar and then my brain won’t shut up.

I also sometimes say things other people want to hear, just to make them happy, so they don’t feel bad. Not major lies, but things like “Yes, your dress looks lovely,” when I’m asked, even if it is bloody horrible.  If someone said I looked horrible I’d be broken.  So I don’t say it.  Maybe I don’t believe people when they give me compliments because I lie and I’m afraid they will lie.

I hate that I want to be liked and accepted, even by the people I don’t necessarily like, but it’s not as simple as that.

There are people who I genuinely, genuinely like.  I can be honest with them and I trust them and I don’t try to be them, because they know the real me.

There are people I dislike, just because they seem to have characteristics that seem negative, for example they bully or belittle, they are selfish, cruel or egotistical, things I find repulsive in a human, even though I can understand why these personality traits may have arisen.  I can think of a few names that I won’t mention here because it is irrelevant. But when I spend time with them, I find I like them more, even though I know I don’t like them, and I still want to be liked by them.

Again, I over think things.

I don’t want to be disliked, but it’s thoughts like this that make me worry that I am secretly unlikable, and eventually people will find out that I don’t have a personality, sometimes I lie to certain people about things so they will like me, and then they won’t like me, so I might as well go and hide somewhere so no one can know me.

Love Sailor xox

About Hellosailor

Writer, painter, nurse. Borderline, Bipolar, awesome.
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17 Responses to Dislike

  1. gypsy116 says:

    Im always fighting with myself. Parts of me dont give a fuck if anyone likes me, but the rest cares more than anything :(

  2. Le Clown says:

    Le Sailor,
    I like you, because I do.
    Le Clown

  3. Bourbon says:

    Oh but you do have a personality! I am not wanting to invalidate how you feel because I know how genuine that is but it is always easier for someone on the outside looking in to see you in a way you cannot. And I would never say you were a.) unlikable or b.) didn’t have a personality. Your incredible gift at painting/art is part of your personality. Your incredibly wit that you show on your facebook. Your sensitivity and high degree of empathy that you show here. Your love for animals and your passion to help them in any way you can. You has a very special personality and I think you rock :) xx

    • Hellosailor says:

      Its not invalidating, it nice to know someone can see a bit of personailty, even if it often feels like I don’t have one!
      I think you’re awesome too. I’m happy to count you as one of my friends xoxox

  4. Hawkruh says:

    Your post seems written right out of my head. It is a defining characteristic of BPD 😞As I read in another blog over a year ago, I’m not sure who I am. Who are you? Maybe I can be you.

  5. purplemary54 says:

    I like you just fine. And I empathize with you here. I want to be liked, too, even by people I’m never going to see again. Unless they annoy me. Then I’m just rude (which is something I really need to work on).

  6. You do have a personality sailor, and you’re right, not everyone can like everyone else because we are all different. But I get the whole wanting to be liked thing, for me I think it’s like I’m trying to be “good enough” by trying to make everyone like me… It doesn’t work though. Hugs xxx

  7. Ms. Ex says:

    I do the same thing. I find myself a chameleon, adopting the particular traits I think will make myself for interesting, more likable to the person I’m speaking to. I’m, perhaps, the last person to give advice, but I’ll tell you what I’m doing: I start with one thing. What one thing do I love, regardless of who else likes it or thinks it’s weird? It could be painting, or Star Trek, or growing plants that seem incapable of dying, even in my merciless care.

    That thing is mine. I do that thing, and I know it is me, wholly me. Then maybe a few days or weeks later, I find another thing. And now I have two. The hard truth is, though, that you have value. I have value. Regardless of what we like, or what we do, we would never say someone has no intrinsic value, because she is a person, and needs love or validation or care. Everyone was once a child deserving of love.

    Even you and I.

  8. Lunch Sketch says:

    Enjoyed reading that. Not because I enjoy hearing of those feelings. But I can relate in some ways. It is such a complex mix of feelings and fears. A great read for me as I scroll through and catch up on my WP Reader … why catch up on my Reader? … correct … so everyone will like me …

  9. Shaniqua B. says:

    Deep, honset words that I can relate to. I think we all want to be liked on some level, but we just can’t be what everyone wants us to be. It’s up to us to just figure out who we are and be ourselves at the end of the day, even though this may be hard sometimes

  10. PAZ says:

    I know! MISS YOU! AND LOVE YOU (yes I more than like you).

    hugs y besos xoxoxxx

  11. Sometimes the lengths I will go to to be liked scare me. Thank you for such a honest post. I really needed to thinks about this more deeply.

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