A Thousand Times Already

Fi’s birthday is coming up.

Two years ago I went on a date with someone really special.  It got messed up because he couldn’t be honest.  Occasionally he pops into my brain and I miss what we had, even if what we had was nothing and I was wasting my time breaking my heart.

Miss You

Then comes the memories of always being betrayed. Even when I was young I couldn’t keep friends, I guess because my emotions were too reactive, or something.

What Asshole did, everything he promised me and the fact that he took away more than you or he will ever know.  What that Girl, my best friend, did and the whole “you’re faking your mental illness” situation, turned it around on me and accusing me of bullying her (I hasten to add that I did not bully anyone).

It all reminds me of the neglect and betrayal.  One of those downward spirals, where the more you think, the deeper you go and the harder it is to get back up.

News

It’s probably only me who sees it this way.

Anyone else involved in the memories probably sees it as their innocent actions resulting in my emotional outbursts of ginormous proportions, because that is just how Sailor is.    Emotionally reactive.  Intensely unstable.  Borderline.

quote | Tumblr | via Facebook

My outbursts were always “how can I go on living like this, if people keep doing this to me?”.

So much emotional pain.  If hearts could actually break, I’m sure mine did a thousand times already.

I honestly don’t know how I did it.  How I’m still here.

I am more careful now.  I keep a distance, if I keep people far enough away, I can’t get hurt.

Life seems smaller with fewer people, but safe.

hekootymsoul | via Tumblr

I’m better off in friendships with birds and bees and dogs and unicorns.  I can do that.

I doubt that I will ever not feel betrayed by all these things that happened.  And I doubt I will ever understand why it happened. People do things I suppose.  They do what feels right for them.

For now, we will continue living in caution.  For now I need the ocean and the few of you I trust.

(5) - Phrases | via Facebook

Love Sailor xox

About Hellosailor

Writer, painter, nurse. Borderline, Bipolar, awesome.
This entry was posted in Borderline, General Thoughts, Mental Health and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to A Thousand Times Already

  1. Pen says:

    Men are dumb. I’m there with you. Safe and healing thoughts and I hope you’re able to do something nice for yourself. Because you deserve it <3

  2. jmlindy422 says:

    So many assholes; so much mania. Sailing in the ocean with you.

  3. trophos says:

    I love the images. Here’s to calm seas ahead.

  4. Hawkruh says:

    I sure hear you about feeling safer keeping people at bay! It’s such a risk to let them in. I’ve only found 1 or 2 that I am able to talk about my stuff with – and even then, it’s only a little.

    The picture of the person under the water really reminds me of a book I read, SO long ago, about a boy who was drowning. Feels that way sometimes. Hugs for you and your animal friends, and for letting some of us people in. :)

  5. Lunch Sketch says:

    Hey Sailor. At the risk of irrelevance, given this heartbreaking post, I wanted to share a piece of music I’ve enjoyed lately that you may or may not have heard.
    I have no other means of contacting you other than through comments.

    It is “Oh Sailor” (by Mr Little Jeans). Kinda cool tune I thought, and as you are the only person I know who goes by the name Sailor, I thought of you. You may even find some relevance in the lyrics. Anyhow. You can look it up I guess, but it is also in my blog sidebar at the moment.

    Hope things are well with you. Take Care.

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