Fi’s birthday is coming up.
Two years ago I went on a date with someone really special. It got messed up because he couldn’t be honest. Occasionally he pops into my brain and I miss what we had, even if what we had was nothing and I was wasting my time breaking my heart.
Then comes the memories of always being betrayed. Even when I was young I couldn’t keep friends, I guess because my emotions were too reactive, or something.
What Asshole did, everything he promised me and the fact that he took away more than you or he will ever know. What that Girl, my best friend, did and the whole “you’re faking your mental illness” situation, turned it around on me and accusing me of bullying her (I hasten to add that I did not bully anyone).
It all reminds me of the neglect and betrayal. One of those downward spirals, where the more you think, the deeper you go and the harder it is to get back up.
It’s probably only me who sees it this way.
Anyone else involved in the memories probably sees it as their innocent actions resulting in my emotional outbursts of ginormous proportions, because that is just how Sailor is. Emotionally reactive. Intensely unstable. Borderline.
My outbursts were always “how can I go on living like this, if people keep doing this to me?”.
So much emotional pain. If hearts could actually break, I’m sure mine did a thousand times already.
I honestly don’t know how I did it. How I’m still here.
I am more careful now. I keep a distance, if I keep people far enough away, I can’t get hurt.
Life seems smaller with fewer people, but safe.
I’m better off in friendships with birds and bees and dogs and unicorns. I can do that.
I doubt that I will ever not feel betrayed by all these things that happened. And I doubt I will ever understand why it happened. People do things I suppose. They do what feels right for them.
For now, we will continue living in caution. For now I need the ocean and the few of you I trust.
Love Sailor xox