I don’t know what happened.  Writers block or something.  But it always felt wrong here anyway.  I never quite got into being Bonjour Marin.  I am Hello Sailor, and since what happened there, and my trust was broken, I never quite got over it.  Now any domain I choose to hide in doesn’t feel right. I don’t feel like me.  Even now I am not me.  But I need to write, so I need to try.

It is true that I am scared of people knowing the real me.  The real me is a broken, distorted person, covered over by the façade of a Sailor, even in real life, although she has different names.  Sometimes her and I and all the others merge into one. I am getting used to this mingle of managing all of the different personalities, but again I’m afraid that letting them all be who they are means I am not normal.  I don’t aspire to be normal, I just want to be treated that way, no better, no worse than anyone else.

There are so many words in my brain, but I try to be mindful and “in the moment”, as I was taught by various therapists.  If I’m in the moment and the moment is bad, I will not always be in the moment. I believed the fact that I was not in the moment any more meant it did not matter, but I think it was wrong.  Everything I was taught in therapy I probably perceived as something else because of my broken borderline brain.  When the moment has passed there are shadows of feelings that need to be dealt with.  I don’t know if I’m supposed to talk about them or wait for them to fade.  I no longer have therapy.  I have no one to ask.

I am lonely without you, but my broken brain can only deal with the mundane task of running day-to-day tasks at the moment. After all, I am trying to live in my moment, even if my moment lingers and I can’t decide what to do with it.

I don’t know if I’m back forever or just for this day.  Perhaps I’ll ease myself in slowly, because this still doesn’t seem right.

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About Hellosailor

Writer, painter, nurse. Borderline, Bipolar, awesome.
This entry was posted in Borderline, General Thoughts, Mental Health and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to

  1. Hi Sailor, good to hear from you. Sorry that you don’t feel at home on this blog and you are stuck between wanting to write and not being able to. It’s not fair that you had to leave your other blog :( How are you doing generally? I hope everything is ok, and you are coping ok without the therapy. If you want someone to talk to you can always drop me an email, and if you want/are able to blog, I and many other people are here for you. Take care Sailor, hugs and love from Ellie xxx

  2. Ruby Tuesday says:

    I don’t think your brain is broken. I think sometimes it just gets scrambled. Mine does, maybe in different ways. And I also think we all have different pieces and parts of ourselves, some people call them “roles” or “hats” they wear, and some people can integrate or even ignore them, which is not always a good thing, though it’s hard when they’re so separate and fragmented. And I could probably think more, except I’ve just been two hours on the phone doing Algebra with a 14-year-old.

    But I love you, whether you’re back for a day or longer, and I very much wanted to try with some of my remaining brain to give you my thoughts.

  3. Tilda says:

    Lovely to see you, Beautiful.
    You have been missed. xx

  4. jmlindy422 says:

    I’ve missed you. So good to see you. I know living in the moment can be hard, especially when the moment sucks. I just tell myself, “This is me, living in a sucky moment.” Like when I remember my mom is dead, “This is me, missing my mom.” Or I’m mad as hell, “This is me being mad as hell.” It helps me let go of the anger or sadness. I often feel my brain is broken, but it isn’t, really. I just have to keep trying to figure out it’s quirks so I can more easily live with them

    Hugs to you.

  5. purplemary54 says:

    I’m happy you’re here, no matter what name you use.

  6. Maggie O'C says:

    Hello Sailor! The day before you posted this I was looking at my Nest painting and wondering where you have been. I am glad you are here and hopefully will visit with us more regularly.
    xoxoxo maggie

  7. I don’t think there is one right answer for any problem. Just different. Different moments are just different. They may be different as in crappy, weird, many, lonely or functioning. I hope you find somewhere you can write out whatever that different is for you. Maybe belonging feels different too? Big hugs and splashes. xxx

  8. PAZ says:

    It’s a different blog, a different time in your life. “Being in the moment” or trying to be will help. It has me. After distress tolderance (getting through the “bad moments”), †here’s something my therapist taught me. Know it passes. My blog domain is the same and it doesn’t feel “the same”. C’est la vie ma chér!

    I love you and always will. Love y besos xoxoxx

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