I have a DATE on Friday. I just thought I’d copy this post from my old Hello Sailor seeing as it’s quite new and I have a DATE on Friday and I’m determind to continue with the whole internet dating thing, even though part of me thinks it’s the worst idea in the whole world –
I think I must have been feeling a little manic and optimistic when I signed up for internet dating.
It was a couple of weeks ago, when individual therapy ended. I felt better. I felt like I could actually make a relationship work because I felt amazing and could deal with anything. There was also, sort of, a sense of grandeur that anyone would be lucky to have me, because I’m awesome and with everything I’ve been through and survived I’m extra special awesome.
My friends thought it was a brilliant idea. A few of them met their significant others online.
I found a site and signed up. I even posted a photo of my face on there. I mean, MY FACE. Do you know how rare pictures of my face are? Most of them have my hands in front of it or my face is scrumpled up and contorted so there is no photographic evidence of how ugly I really am.
This was the same week I quit my job because I felt able to cope with everything life had to throw at me. I should’ve known something was up then. That and the fact I posted up a picture of MY FACE on the internet.
I had a few pervy messages. One guy told me he would “snort a mile of stale cider just to sniff the seat I sat on at a party three years ago“. After my initial reaction of “eww” I actually laughed my ass off. I mean, it’s so gross and obscene it’s funny.
I’ve had a few nice instant message chats with people who seem genuine and it seems I can have things in common with other people who are not on WordPress or working in the Veterinary Profession or in therapy. Four people have asked to meet me. I said yes to two, but haven’t actually met them yet.
Now I’m having second thoughts about internet dating. I just think, maybe, internet dating and a diagnosis of borderline (awesome) personality disorder and bipolar II is not a great combination. For a start, rejection is a great fear for me, it can spark a whirlwind of thoughts, but what I’m more worried about is what I’m letting other people in for.
Where do you draw the line between being too open and honest about your condition, and being too secretive? There isn’t a rule book, is there? Do you tell people you have a psychiatric condition on the third date, or is that too late/early? Or is it too late/early, to put on your profile so people know what they are letting themselves in for, but then of course you’d attract other nut-jobs (sorry) who like to manipulate mentally ill people (yeah, they exist) and scare all the rest away.
Sure, having a psychiatric condition is nothing to be ashamed of. I’m not ashamed in any way, but there is still (unfortunately) stigma attached. It’s just not something you bring up in conversation “Oh hi, I’m Sailor, sometimes I get a bit manic or depressed then Charlotte takes over and then I cut my arms, but I am NICE“. People in the real world tend to find out I’m ”special” gradually, and that is only the bits I let them see. I could totally be over thinking this. It is likely, I always over-think.
Not to mention the medication. The good old psychiatric medication killing your sex drive. It’s not been so bad the last year and a half. I mean I don’t care because I am not in a relationship and obligated for it to be sexual. The two years before that, being single and celibate, were frustrating. The biggest kick I get at the moment is burning my skin. It’s scaring me again how much I enjoy the pain. Almost orgasmic, but not quite the same feeling, but altogether enjoyable because I feel something and feel a release. I haven’t been hurting myself as a punishment all the time. I’ve been doing it because it feels nice. If my thinking is that distorted that I’m enjoying pain I cannot be ready to be with someone. How do you explain that kind of thing to someone without them running a mile?
Also I had an argument with Charlotte last night. She was feeling argumentative, just because she wanted a reaction and to say horrible things to someone. We agreed that there would be an argument, but anything said was not true and should not be taken personally. Its true. Sometimes it is just nice to argue. We yelled obscenities and horrible words to each other, telling each other how useless we are. Then we made up, because it was just that the words and energy needed to go somewhere. But how do you tell someone you’re off to argue with yourself because you recognise that if you don’t the situation gets worse?
Generally, I think I should delete my profile and quit online dating, or any other kind of dating, stay single and become a mad cat woman because you can always trust cats not to judge you.
But I see people with other people and just can’t help but want what they have got, even if I think it might not actually be for me and I should settle for it being Charlotte, Jack and myself.
Love Sailor xox