Feathers

I originally posted this to “Hello Sailor” on 13th November 2012.  There is a reason I’m reposting.  All will be revealed soon…..

I don’t know why I continue to be shocked at the way some humans act towards each other.

At the moment I’m taking the stance that as long as I’m OK, what I think is OK and everything will be OK, but I still can’t help being smacked at the manipulative games people play.

Sure, I’m no saint. A lot of the time I’m wrong in the head because of these idiosyncracies of mine, but generally I keep quiet when I’m hurting because I’m afraid of hurting other people.

Last night I made a huge decision and today I carried it out.

I quit my job.

My lovely, safe, but mental illness inducing job.

And, no, currently I don’t have a new one lined up, but I’m sure that will soon change.

I could obviously be having a psychotic episode. I mean, I don’t feel any remorse or regret that in six weeks I might not have a job. I don’t feel panicked that life as I know it is about to change.

I feel calm and light and like nothing can hurt me and every thing feels peaceful, even though the future is now uncertain. I feel excited about what might happen, stepping out of my comfort zone. I don’t usually feel these things, just anxiety and apprehension, which makes me wonder if I am psychotic.

But the reason that this has come about is because I can’t handle it there any more. Not the work, no I love the work, but the attitudes of some of the people in the place and the double standards of management.

Of course things aren’t great since the great falling out of me and W. I don’t trust her, I can’t hardly look at her in the eye. It’s true to say she broke my trust and my heart, so I will never see her in the same light again. But that doesn’t mean I don’t talk to her if I have to. If it is something work related then I will talk to her, because it’s unprofessional not to, right?

She complained about me to the practice manager and I got hauled into the office for a bollocking. Basically I’m accused of bullying her and turning people against her.

This was another part where I thought I was psychotic. I thought perhaps I was doing all these things I was being accused off and almost called Maggie for help. Instead I channeled the wise one and thought “What would Maggie say?”- W is being manipulative and spiteful and I am not any of those things, because I’m just not, even in a psychosis I wouldn’t be. Sure you could all be biased, because you only know what I say here, but Hello Sailor does not come with an internal “mute button“, especially not when writing on her blog. Surely if I was evil, people would have seen this by now???

In the end I figured it doesn’t matter what other people think, so long as I know I am right in my heart.

The problem I have with W is between me and her. People at work know we have fallen out, but they don’t know why, because they don’t need to. I don’t discuss any of these issues with anyone, because I don’t care if they like her or not, they can make their own decisions. As for bullying – I don’t think W or the practice manager have a grasp on this concept.

I’ve been told to get along with her and I’m not allowed my opinion. My practice manager is going to treat this at practice level at the moment, since I have been diagnosed with depression (like anyone should use that as an excuse, but hey ho).

Again I kept quiet.

All the snide remarks I get from W. The sarcasm, talking to me as if I’m stupid and smirking behind my back. Not to mention whatever she has said to F and L about me. I don’t mention it because when we fell out, it was outside of work, so it has nothing to do with anything inside those four walls.

If I hadn’t had worse bullying than this at school (not to mention a shit load of therapy), then I’m sure I would take this much more personally instead of letting the behaviour roll off my back like water on feathers.

I wanted to retort to my manager and tell her all the things W had been doing. But I decided it didn’t matter.

If I can be accused of bullying, unprofessionalism and vendettas without any proof against me, this is not a place where I want to work any more.

I remember last summer when one of my best friends, H, who was a trainee nurse was being bullied by the Head Nurse. Complaints fell on dead ears. H stirred up quite a fuss, and quite rightly so. The Manager sacked H instead of the Head Nurse because she didn’t want to deal with the hassle of “a teenage girl“. Yep, a girl old enough to be H’s mother was bullying her and the manager punished the wrong person.

There is a lot more unprofessionalism going on in my place that I couldn’t tell you about. Clinically, you cannot fault the Vets. Some of the Nurses are questionable, but the lay staff are the worst. Sorry, but it’s true. I guess Vets and Nurses are responsible for their own actions. If we fuck up, we are punished. If lay staff fuck up, it doesn’t matter.

In all, I don’t want to work somewhere who does not allow staff freedom of speech and expression, allows bullying and punishes the wrong people. So I handed in my notice.

I’ve joined a locum agency, which basically means I’ll be a temp nurse and travel where I’m needed. It’s a pretty big thing for me because I will have to meet a lot of new people, but at the same time I will have freedom from the confines of my current practice (not to mention loads more money) and I will have more practice at meeting people, and perhaps find an amazing practice which offers me a full time job.

I was shocked at my colleagues words though. J is excited for me, she will be leaving two weeks before I do, to go on her big adventure. One receptionist said “good on you, you’re too good for this place anyway“, another said “I don’t want you to go, you’re one of the good ones!”, whatever that means, I take it as a positive though. The Vets and Nurses were shocked, sad and didn’t want me to go, but understood that I’ve not been happy there for a while and that I do need to spread my wings and they assure me that I will be good, because I am good at what I do.

When I told them, in words, it wasn’t so hard. I always relate to emotions way more when I read them on paper than I do when I listen. It’s quite sad I will be leaving, but I need it (and I hope this is not a psychosis, but I’m pretty sure it isn’t).

Also, some complete stranger told me I was beautiful today. Not in a creepy way, in a genuine way. It feels like things are looking, maybe not up, just different.

Love Sailor xox

Advertisements

About Hellosailor

Writer, painter, nurse. Borderline, Bipolar, awesome.
This entry was posted in Borderline, General Thoughts, Mental Health and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Feathers

  1. Pingback: Helping to Break the Cycle « A Canvas Of The Minds

  2. Pingback: Helping to Break Stigma « A Canvas Of The Minds

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s