Sailor the Ray of Fucking Sunshine

July 17th 2012………

I’m in pain.

I am a pain.

There is an energy running through me. It’s not normal energy, its like the nervous pent-up energy.

Last night, when we went to bed, Charlotte was angry. She’s been angry since that text message but I’ve been fighting to keep her cool. There is only so long you can fight.

Last night I couldn’t see the point in being alive any more. I mean, really what is the point?

I used to complain of this all the time in hospital. “I hate life, what is the point in carrying on?” I’d say. My keyworker, Alex would always say “Life is what you make of it“. I fucking hated that saying. It sounded like an excuse. It sounded like I was being blamed for hating my life. “Life is what you make of it“. I never asked for the pain or the sorrow or the bullying or any of it. No one does. I did not make that life and neither did I make this one. Some things you can’t control. I don’t believe for a second that life is what you make of it.

Ecard to my 13 year old self. Also the ecard my future self will send to the present me.

I had the most disturbing vile dreams last night. Sometimes you don’t need the external triggers when your brain does it for you. What does WeeGees Dad call it? Your self sabotage button. Yeah I have one of those. Sometimes I don’t even know I’m pressing it.

I was still of the opinion, when I woke up, that there was no point in anything. I travelled to the psychiatrist and wasted another 45 minutes of my life in there. Do they purposefully NOT read your case history before you go in or do they get off on being ignorant? I don’t know. It always pisses me off. I think it’s un professional. That’s why I hated Dr K when I was a kid, he would never even remember my fucking name let alone anything else.

My dosage of Prozac is being upped from 20mg to 40mg. That is the result of 45 minutes. My GP could’ve told me that.

I don’t think he believed me about Charlotte. But how are you supposed to explain your other personality to a person you have only just met when you have trust issues anyway? It’s complicated, too complicated.

Fuck.

All day, minor things turned into triggers.

In the darkroom, developing X-rays. Flash backs. Maybe this is why I hate X raying. Being closed in a dark room with nothing to do but sniff noxious chemicals and wait under the red safe light. I have a love/hate relationship with that room. Its the only room that locks from the inside only, so if anyone ever broke into the practice, I’d lock myself in there.

Triggers make me feel nauseous. Knots in my stomach. Electrical impulses travel quickly through my nervous system. I wonder if this a fight or flight response?

Charlotte wants to press the button. I realised on the drive home that she is absolutely seething in anger, but in a scarily quiet and passive way. I don’t know how I feel. I tried to come up with a healthy way to diffuse the anger instead of just sit on it until it is time to explode. I’m still unsure whether anger is healthy or not, but I’m too tired to do anything, to tired to even care, maybe. I could write about the anger some more, but it’s never going to help.

Eventually I will go to sleep, Charlotte will probably take over. There is only one way we know how to get rid of anger. Charlotte wants to take it out on everybody else, I won’t let her, so she takes it out on us, which is OK because we probably deserve it anyway.

I have an appointment with K tomorrow. I wonder who she will have the pleasure of doing CBT with in the morning?

I wish I could run away.

Sailor xox

About Hellosailor

Writer, painter, nurse. Borderline, Bipolar, awesome.
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4 Responses to Sailor the Ray of Fucking Sunshine

  1. Pingback: The New Year Post | Hello Sailor

  2. Genie says:

    Glad you work things out and keep yourself alive.

  3. unfetteredbs says:

    I am not clicking like. I am commenting so you know I am reading your words, thinking about you and yes, FUCK. That is about the only word I centered on when I read this. Why do people always say– life is what you make of it? that is the most annoying saying sometimes. Sometimes we just cannot get out of our own way..our finger permanently on the self sabotage shit button. I think you are brave writing this..I hope it helps

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