I am chronically suicidal.

I don’t know where I got that phase from.  It dawned on me yesterday how long it has been that I haven’t wanted to be alive anymore.

I remember arguing with my parents, when I was much, much younger, after I’d given up on life for the first time, that I never asked to be put on this planet, I never asked to be born so they couldn’t make me stay alive.

It is a miracle that I am alive. By chance I was the sperm who won the race and the egg who got chosen.  It could’ve been any of them.  By chance the surroundings were perfect.  My zygote implanted and I grew into an embryo.  During mitosis I grew a heart and a brain.  My mother carried me until I was born.  When I was born I could breathe for myself, with my lungs that had grown while I had rested.  I am now a legacy of my mother and father, and their mothers and fathers and a long, long line of theirs.

Mum says all I did after I was born was cry.  She couldn’t understand why.  The nurses had to take me away. Perhaps even then I didn’t want to be born.

I don’t have a suicide plan.  Sometime I have suicide ideations.  I want to jump off a bridge into the cold sea, feel it spill over my skin, my breath punched out of me by the cold.  A lot of the time I just don’t want to wake up.  I don’t want to be here.  I don’t want to do another thirty years and another thirty years.

I can’t explain it.  I know I am lucky to be here, I am lucky to be alive.  But still, I don’t feel like I belong.

It could be the borderline that makes me see the world in a different light.  There are a lot of people suffering in the world and I have it fairly easy.  I have a nice house to live in, food, money, nice things and I am grateful for that.  However it’s almost too much.  It’s almost as if I can’t be happy because there are others that are unhappy, and then that makes me ungrateful and then I end up in a cycle, in a circle, constantly consumed by guilt.

My logic says the reason that we are put on this planet is to pro-create, after all isn’t this the reason for any organism, to keep it’s DNA in the gene pool?

I will never have children. I have no desire to share my DNA when I could potentially pass on all of my mental illnesses genetically? I don’t think I could live with the guilt or the fear of watching a product of myself suffer, adding to the suffering of humanity adding to the guilt.

My logic also says that so we can pro-create we need to interact physically and socially with other humans.  I have many social interactions throughout the day and I don’t always want to, it would be easier not to.  I have no interest in physical human interaction, but that could either be depression, PTSD or the fact that being borderline means I sometimes lack a sense of identity, so I don’t even know if I like men, women, neither or both. I don’t fit in with the social norms. I was not made to fit in with this planet.

The borderline means I love easily, but the love can quickly turn to hate, it’s safer for me not to feel anything, but when I don’t feel anything at all, it is just as scary and perhaps even a little more pointless.  Even the people you think you can trust, you can’t trust.

I will never have children, I will never fall in love, so tell me why am I here? I have so much love to give, but no one to give it to.  What is my purpose? Do I need a purpose? Why do I have to stay here when I never asked to be here in the first place? Will it feel this way forever?  I don’t feel the need to leave a legacy, but I don’t want to die alone. I would just like to go to sleep and not wake up.  Or better yet, never have been born.

Charlotte is quite present today.  I like it when friends come to stay, but it does get loud in here.  I think the idea is that we go to the island and rest for a while.  We wish it was a real place, life would be so much simpler.


Love Sailor xox


About Hellosailor

Writer, painter, nurse. Borderline, Bipolar, awesome.
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11 Responses to Circles

  1. Brother Jon says:

    “I will never have children, I will never fall in love, so tell me why am I here? I have so much love to give, but no one to give it to.”

    Don’t forget to love yourself.

  2. Maggie O'C says:

    Jon has a point there. I know you are in line for all sorts of things with NHS but maybe this is something you want to discuss b/c clearly you are having huge inner turmoil on the whole love issue. Go rest on the island for a bit HS. xoxoxo

    • Hellosailor says:

      This might be one for you, and Jon. At school, when I was little, we got told the acronym “JOY” it stood for Jesus first, Others second and Yourself last and that was the only way you could find Joy. You know my whole view point on the religious thing at the moment, but when I was little I believed what was said and that I must put everything else before myself. I can’t get out of that habit now. I suppose my question is, is this really a thing? Was my teacher a nut job for drumming this into us? Or did I take it too literally. I always wonder. All these years later and it still hurts that she had that effect and hold over me xox

  3. gypsy116 says:

    I wish I had something to say that would help, but all I can offer are hugs and understanding.

  4. Oh Sailor. You are a wonderful friend and you are loved. I wish I could say something to help but I don’t know what to say, except that I am always here if you want someone to speak to, either here or by email. And I’m thinking of you, and sending you hugs (if you’d like them) xxx

  5. Hawkruh says:

    I know what you mean when you say you don’t want to chance passing on any mental illness to children. One of my greatest fears is that I may have passed something on to my son. I hope not! And wanting to not wake up … yes. Been there many times. I hope that, as the others have said, you can give your love to yourself. You ARE lovable! Resting on the island sounds like a great idea. Peaceful. Safe,

  6. unfetteredbs says:

    I am with Brother Jon and Maggie.. you are loved and don’t forget to love yourself

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