Bat Shit Crazy

I’m not really sure what’s going on in my head at the moment.  Still just the usual really.

Trying to fake it to get through the day.  Too many ideas, drawings and doodles that I can’t get down on paper quick enough and that make no sense whatsoever when I come back to them because really they are just snippets of conversations and pictures in my head and once they are on the paper I’m bored with them. Moments of high anxiety but then I forget about it because I move onto the next emotion, which can range from a blank dissociative state to hoping that the people who’ve crossed me or hurt me some way die a painful death, hopefully in a fire or falling down a hole. Then I go from living in the past, to living in the now and then worrying about the future, because realistically they all suck.  Then I’m suicidal, but it’s ok because I know that’ll only last five minutes because I’ll move onto the next thing.

It’s tiring, but I’m faking that I’m a human being with regulated emotions.

I’ve had a few visual and auditory hallucinations this week.

It’s not like I see dancing pink elephants or melting trees.  It’s more like my eyes don’t see things properly, or my brain doesn’t translate what it is actually seeing quick enough so interprets it as something else.  I don’t hear sentences of voices telling me to do things, more like fractions of noises that I think are completely normal, but no one else hears it.  I have heard a few words before, and that scares me more than anything because I think it’s actually a person there who shouldn’t be, but then I realise I’m hearing things and it’s actually less scary.

Yesterday I was sitting on the sofa in the living room and I heard mens footsteps walking down the hall.  When I peered down the hall no one was there.  Mum asked what I was looking at, she said she didn’t hear anything.  I’ve seen bugs and figures too.  Bugs are always fun.  Scarily enough this has become so common now I don’t react when I see them any more.  I’m just like “Oh, green bugs again”.  Why are they always green?  Lime green, glowing in the dark. Beautiful.  But imaginary.

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I didn’t realise that hallucinations are a characteristic of Bipolar, both in the depression and mania stages.  I feel more borderline this week though, because my emotions are cycling so fast. Either way it doesn’t matter.  It’s my normal, it’s annoying, but it’s normal.

I’ve just written a whole bunch of nothing.  Oh well.  Now I think I should delete all this and start again, but I’m kind of bored with writing now and just want to sleep.

Love Sailor xox

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About Hellosailor

Writer, painter, nurse. Borderline, Bipolar, awesome.
This entry was posted in Art, Borderline, Mental Health and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

23 Responses to Bat Shit Crazy

  1. simplybluey says:

    I wrote a lot of nothing today too. Must be that kind of a day. xx

  2. Ruby Tuesday says:

    I get those kinds of hallucinations, too, like music in the other room when everyone is asleep. The ones I really dislike are the tactile, like I feel something on my lips. Sounds creepy as hell, but I’ve gotten to that ‘Oh, hi there hallucination’ place, too. Plus they don’t come as often as they used to.

    Sending you lots of love.
    xoxoxoxo

    • Hellosailor says:

      I don’t normally get the tactile ones, but I’m not really a tactile person. Being “oh, hi there hallucination” should not be “normal” but the fact is it is!
      I want to run away though. It;s all getting a bit too much and scary and off I need to go to my little ship bobbing along the ocean, but I accidentally sank it the other day so I kind of need to raise it from the deep.

      Love xoxoxoxox

      • Ruby Tuesday says:

        Oh dear. Let me know if I can help you!

        Love and hugs and burly sailor/tattooists to help!

        xoxoxoxoxoxo

      • Hellosailor says:

        Hahahaha oh yeah burly tattooed sailors could tie ropes to the ship and haul it up from the depths of the ocean. And the birds will help too, they can hold tiny ropes in their beaks and fly up. I think I just made a painting in my head.
        Can I run away to America and come and live under your bed? I don’t need a lot of room. Or food or water. xoxoxoxoxox

  3. It must be exhausting when you feel like this. I hope things calm down soon. Hugs xxx

  4. WeeGee says:

    First up, it sounds like you might need a hug – so I’m sending you one, or two, or as many as you want!

    Make sure you talk to the white coat people about the things you are hearing and seeing. I had an awful period of hallucinations when some meds disagreed with me but I didn’t mention it for ages because I thought they would think I was mental. Ironic really!

    I know what it’s like to not feel like a proper person. Even though I’m doing okay (by okay I mean I don’t often think about jumping off something very tall) I still struggle with the concept that I am real. It’s not much fun being an alien but I promise there is an ‘okay’ out there somewhere for you too. Hold on tight and you’ll get there my alien sister.

    Much love

    WeeGee xoxoxoxoxo

    • Hellosailor says:

      Thank you WeeGee. Thank you for the hugs and reassurance. I have an appointment with the white coat people tomorrow (I’m currently doing this face :/ ).

      I have special things coming for you soon WeeGee. I’m so excited but there aren’t enough daylight hours at the moment to get it done. Woooo!!! Bouncing!!! xoxoxox

  5. WeeGee says:

    Special things?! How could that be weird or creepy?! I might bounce around for a bit too. I know we’re not supposed to, but it is rather good fun!

    Hope the appointment goes okay. Thinking of you xoxoxoxoxo

  6. gypsy116 says:

    (((hugs))) Thinking about you.

  7. scienerf says:

    I wouldn’t say it was a whole bunch of nothing, it’s how you’re feeling and if those feelings are muddled it’s understandable with that sort of thing! I’ve heard things and felt things, never anything I could pin point either, no full blown voices, the odd shadow. I like to think I’m just being visited by my relatives who have passed….it eases my mind 🙂
    (((hugs))) from one scatterbrain to another xox

    • Hellosailor says:

      I try to think that too, but my family think I’m just as odd when I say “perhaps it was grandad walking down the hall”. It was definitley mens foot steps anyway…….. either way it was “nothing” or “normal” or something……
      Thanks sweet xoxoxox

  8. Lunch Sketch says:

    That does sound tiring! Hope you got some restful sleep.

  9. “It’s more like my eyes don’t see things properly, or my brain doesn’t translate what it is actually seeing quick enough so interprets it as something else.”

    I do this sometimes, too, and I had no idea how to explain what it was. You describe it perfectly. I also sometimes see bugs out of the corner of my eye, or people approaching (the latter only when I’m somewhere where people would be). I don’t know if they’re hallucinations or anxiety or what.

    I don’t think this is a bunch of nothing. It expresses what it needs to. 😉

  10. Rich Carucci says:

    Who Needs Mushrooms!!!

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