Walking the Line

Life is a fragile balance.

We walk the line between sanity and insanity. Two different worlds.  Each so different.

Sometimes I balance well, like a beautiful tightrope walker elegantly dressed in a red tutu and flowers in my hair.  I balance precariously.  Crowds in awe, but I don’t know whether they want me to balance or fall.

I don’t know if I want to balance or fall.

Sometimes I have a foot in both worlds.  Standing with one foot either side of the equator, a foot in each hemisphere. Sometimes my body will be one side and my brain will be the other.  Sometimes I lose myself completely.  Sometimes Charlotte steps into place, sometimes we are empty.

I’m in the high functioning place.  I get up, I go to work, I laugh and joke. My feet are on that side of the line.

My brain, however, is tormented. Lonely, useless, pointless, traumatized, hurt, confused, ugly, angry. I can’t trust anyone, everyone hates me, they’re all out to get me, I am throughly unlikable and they can’t wait for me to fall.

I’m losing moments of real life and re living flash backs from the past.  Perhaps its the time of year. Perhaps its just my brain is on the wrong side of that fine line.

I sometimes wonder why, or how, I carry on.  I wonder why I’ve lost my ability to write about these things, or even talk about them. Even I am bored of listening to my self.

It just doesn’t seem possible I’ll ever be OK, so I just pretend that it’s all OK.  Like the notion that smiling makes you feel better.  Only it doesn’t work.

There is no happy ending, it’s not just that Charlotte won’t let me live it, even if she is the self-destructive one, even though I love her with all my heart.

See my brain is on that side.

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At some point I’ll fall off the line completely.  Again.  Inevitable.  And then I climb back on and start again.

Love Sailor xox

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About Hellosailor

Writer, painter, nurse. Borderline, Bipolar, awesome.
This entry was posted in Borderline, General Thoughts, Mental Health and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to Walking the Line

  1. Hawkruh says:

    One foot in front of the other … be in the moment without worry of what has passed or is yet to come. Hugs!

  2. Red says:

    Oh goodness how well I know this line, this balancing act with no net. Thinking of you and sending support. xx

  3. This is a really good analogy, I’m sorry you’re feeling so hurt. Thinking of you, and sending lots of hugs xxx

  4. denmother says:

    I sure don’t want to see you fall off the line. I think I’m in the majority.
    Denmother

  5. Ruby Tuesday says:

    Sometimes I think we must be connected. The things we go through, they’re quite different, but the thoughts and feelings are so much the same. But maybe that means we can help each other make it out the other side.

    Or maybe I just need to hope.
    xoxo

    • Hellosailor says:

      If you think that and I think it, it must be true. I want to get out the other side, I really don’t feel well and there is no one to talk to, even the next lot of psychotherapy is six weeks away. Maybe I’ll make a visit to the crisis team again. Or just sleep for as long as I can. I wish we could run away. I wish I was at least on the same continent as you, it’d make things feel less scary! Love, hold on xoxx

  6. I understand this feeling. Except I think I’m perpetually *on* the line, with none of my limbs spilling into the other. It’s so hard to know when I need to take a step back. Even when I had my breakdown, I might’ve been considered high functioning. I still did the bare minimum; it was just that I didn’t do much of quality. So I think you can be high-functioning and still be in the same place as others who might not be high-functioning. If that makes sense.

    I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling like this right now. You have my support. *hugs*

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