Life is a fragile balance.
We walk the line between sanity and insanity. Two different worlds. Each so different.
Sometimes I balance well, like a beautiful tightrope walker elegantly dressed in a red tutu and flowers in my hair. I balance precariously. Crowds in awe, but I don’t know whether they want me to balance or fall.
I don’t know if I want to balance or fall.
Sometimes I have a foot in both worlds. Standing with one foot either side of the equator, a foot in each hemisphere. Sometimes my body will be one side and my brain will be the other. Sometimes I lose myself completely. Sometimes Charlotte steps into place, sometimes we are empty.
I’m in the high functioning place. I get up, I go to work, I laugh and joke. My feet are on that side of the line.
My brain, however, is tormented. Lonely, useless, pointless, traumatized, hurt, confused, ugly, angry. I can’t trust anyone, everyone hates me, they’re all out to get me, I am throughly unlikable and they can’t wait for me to fall.
I’m losing moments of real life and re living flash backs from the past. Perhaps its the time of year. Perhaps its just my brain is on the wrong side of that fine line.
I sometimes wonder why, or how, I carry on. I wonder why I’ve lost my ability to write about these things, or even talk about them. Even I am bored of listening to my self.
It just doesn’t seem possible I’ll ever be OK, so I just pretend that it’s all OK. Like the notion that smiling makes you feel better. Only it doesn’t work.
There is no happy ending, it’s not just that Charlotte won’t let me live it, even if she is the self-destructive one, even though I love her with all my heart.
See my brain is on that side.
At some point I’ll fall off the line completely. Again. Inevitable. And then I climb back on and start again.
Love Sailor xox