Alien

I hate that I am so easily triggered by things.

Sure, I can be mindful, and live in the moment, but why does my brain find these connections in the most obscure things?  Quick flashes of memories are not as bad as full-blown flash backs, but I still despise that my brain does this and I have to talk myself out of it. Every. Single. Time.

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I hate that my dreams are sometimes so triggering.

Often my dreams are fantastical.  My brain takes on real life events and uses the imagination to make them do odd things.

Last week when the meteor hit Russia I had a dream that the bigger one that was headed towards Earth was actually going to hit us and I didn’t care that we were all destined to die. My Dad made us a light-proof bunker (it was the light from the impact that killed you) and we all climbed in bin bags (again, fairly light-proof).  Even in my dream I didn’t want to be alive and didn’t want to go into the bunker but I did it just to keep my family happy. After the meteor hit we were all still alive, but most of the other people in the world were dead, a few had the same idea as my Dad and survived.  I hated myself because I forgot to take the rabbits into the bunker and they got chopped in half by the light.  I was so selfish to forget about them.  The meteor pushed Earths orbit closer to the sun so we had summer all the time.

Last night my brain took my thoughts and screwed them up even worse.

Last night I think I relived my whole life in a dream, in chronological order, mainly focusing on relationships I believe I have fucked up. It mainly concentrated on me trying to put these things right.

I was lonely in my dream.  But then again I am lonely now. The people I “speak” with the most are on the other side of the world.  Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself.

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I’m trying to use the CBT I learnt last year to talk myself through this. I am trying to be mindful – it was a dream, it can’t hurt me, I am not living the dream.  But it felt so real.  I am not to blame for everything, even though it feels that way sometimes. I can’t be responsible for other people’s actions, but it does feel like I am the causative agent.

I don’t believe I am the centre of the universe and everything revolves around me, but it does often feel like, because of the BPD, that because I think differently to other people and others without BPD don’t understand, that I am constantly at fault.  To screw up so many relationships in life, it must be my fault, not anyone elses because I have no idea what I am doing.

I need to find a way to stop being lonely but without being hurt.  It doesn’t seem possible, not on this Earth with these aliens anyway.

Love Sailor xox

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About Hellosailor

Writer, painter, nurse. Borderline, Bipolar, awesome.
This entry was posted in Borderline, General Thoughts, Mental Health and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Alien

  1. I’m sorry you’re hurting Sailor, those dreams sound horrible and I’m not surprised that they were triggering. I’ve been having problems with nightmares recently too. Even though they are just dreams, they do feel real at the time, and sometimes interact with real memories which are hard to stop thinking about afterwards. Please don’t blame yourself for everything, and be kind to yourself. Thinking of you and sending hugs and safe thoughts xxx

    • Hellosailor says:

      Yes the do feel real, and when I’m feeling the way I’m feeling at the moment I get paranoid that my dreams are secret messages telling me to sort my life out.
      Hugs back Ellie xox

  2. Red says:

    Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a switch in our brain that when we slept we could just turn it off and rest without disturbance? I am sorry you are hurting and feeling lonely. Sending comfort and support your way. xxx

    • Hellosailor says:

      I think so many people have this though! I tell people about my weird dreams and most can either never remember them or state that they don’t dream at all. I wish my brain was like this. I would probably feel way less tired if I could rest at night instead of running around.
      Thank you for your kind thoughts Red xox

  3. Hawkruh says:

    It sounds lonely. Your first dream sounds lonely too – to be one of the few survivors, yet not have your rabbits make it with you. I could see it all as I read your post. I’m sorry for your pain and loneliness. I keep finding myself thinking of things to help fix that – though that’s not my right – and I think of art classes. Or selling your paintings at an open air market – where you might be able to meet people through your art. I hope you find what you want and need. Big HUGS!

    • Hellosailor says:

      That bothered me for a whole day that dream. I have so many nightmares that something happens to my rabbits. It is a huge worry to me that not many people would understand.
      Maybe I should go back to art classes, that did get me leaving the house, but I don’t have time with studying and depression makes me tired, which makes me depressed and….. well you know the rest. Hugs back Hawkruh xox

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