I’m stepping a toe back into blog land. It is possible I’m over the blog block, or I could possibly go back into hiding after this. Never mind, I only write when I need to. There’s no point in forcing it, otherwise I write false and it probably reads as false.
I think the blog block might be due to me living in the moment more, or being mindful or whatever you want to call it. You know the kind of thing that you learn in DBT or CBT, or as Anette calls it, pretending you are a cat. When I feel bad, I feel bad. Then I stop feeling bad, for however long and it seems like there is no point in writing about it because then it’s reliving that bad feeling again, and it doesn’t really help.
There is still no reason for me to feel bad, unless I start searching for reasons. Sometimes I feel like the world is going to cave in and eat me. Sometimes I’m on top of the world and I can conquer anything. If something makes me feel bad then I’m in the pit of the world’s stomach.
Right now I’m in that lucid place where reality and dreams are blurred and I’m not sure whats real but it all makes perfect sense. It’s fun, but weird. Enlightening, maybe, but hard to stay awake.
I had therapy today. I don’t know who it was with, I’ve gone through a psychologist and a psychiatrist, now I think I’m seeing a psychotherapist. Psycho after psycho after psycho.
Things got very deep and philosophical. I’m not sure I’m getting much out of this kind of therapy, but it helps to talk with someone who understands the mind is an odd place. I’d also forgotten how much it helps to share what I feel and why I feel that way and hear someone else talk and figure out why that may be.
We spoke about my despair with the world. How people are so cruel to each other and create wars and hurt people and animals seemingly without reason. I concluded that hurting (physically or otherwise) another being would cause pain to oneself, no one wants to feel that emotional pain, so how is that behaviour rewarding? She thought that everyone has the ability to be sadistic, whether it is to a fly or to another human being. I agree, as good as I think I am, I sometimes do things to piss other people off on purpose. It would never be physical harm (even to a fly), but manipulating others is a sadistic behaviour and we pretty much all do it, some people even enjoy it.
I don’t really know what her point was. I’ve either forgotten or I was in the lucid place when we were discussing or I didn’t really get it in the first place.
I told her I was scared that there were people out there like this, hurting each other just for fun. It is a scary thought. I’ve given up watching the news because it is all just bad things proving to me that the world is a scary place and people are bad. She told me that for every action there is an opposite reaction. Out there, in the world, there are lots of good people too who don’t hurt other people or animals. I guess she is right, and I’ve seen it myself some days. She supposes that everyone has a good and bad side anyway. And nothing is good all the time.
I find it difficult to accept this. I’m a self-professed perfectionist, everyone else is allowed to make mistakes and it’s OK, but if I make a mistake than I turn into a masochist and inflict pain on myself, emotional or physical, even if I don’t enjoy it as such, it can be gratifying.
It makes me sad and frustrated that the world is not perfect. We concluded the hours session with the things I’ve heard a million times before – I need to concentrate on the fact that I make a good difference to the lives I affect daily, I can’t beat myself up for not making a difference to the whole world because no one can and I’m not allowed to worry about things I can’t change.
So why am I back to feeling like a helpless superhero who needs to save the world?
Love Sailor xox