I’m supposed to be asleep, but asleep doesn’t come easy when you’ve got the words in your head that stick in your throat and you’re not allowed to say.
No amount of sea water can take the pain away.
We can’t run, we can’t hide.
We remember freaking out at school once. My uniform was green. Put in isolate because we couldn’t control the anger. Shaking. A stern look in the teachers eyes because they couldn’t understand. Her hair was short, dark and curly, a remnant of the 80’s, eyes peering angrily over silver wire rimmed glasses. The bedding was red. The walls were white. Brown wooden furniture. Green waste paper bin. School information on the walls, I read over and over to try to focus and calm down. All the major food groups. Puffy red eyes from crying. Being forced to eat and drink even though I know I felt sick from the gut wrenching sobbing that had taken place earlier in frustration. I can’t even remember now why we were freaking out. Swear words like “shag” and “fuck” come to mind. Screwed up paper. Out of control. I guess it doesn’t matter. Like it won’t matter why I’m freaking out now. I’ll just remember the aftermath, pictographically, what was on tv, how my hair looked, what I was wearing, what I had for tea what I felt, taste, smelt and saw.
Burnt skin, heavy heart, tired eyes, noisy brain, no escape, should’ve ended it a long time ago because there is nothing here and I’m only here to disappoint.

About Hellosailor

Writer, painter, nurse. Borderline, Bipolar, awesome.
This entry was posted in Borderline, Mental Health and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to Aftermath

  1. Ruby Tuesday says:

    I get the incredibly vivid sensory memory overload, I guess would be the way I would put it. Every detail of everything I saw, felt, heard, smelled, tasted (sometimes) is etched perfectly and permanently into my brain. Even the times I know I’m supposed to recall the least from, it’s there and it’s oh-so-real. xo

  2. Red says:

    Sending hugs and support your way. I can relate and I am sorry you are struggling. xx

  3. Tilda says:

    You’re NOT a disappointment. You are valued. xox

  4. *hugs* Sending you support and positive vibes.

  5. jmlindy422 says:

    You don’t disappoint me. You inspire me. You do so much: your painting (and the cards), your work, your studies. No, you are no disappointing me.

  6. MentalShep says:

    Wow, your writing is so amazing.
    Hugs Sailor.

  7. I’m sorry things are difficult and scary. I find that once I’m in a downwards spiral then I just can’t get out of it until it’s over. You are not a disappointment, you are a great person and you deserve happiness πŸ™‚ xxx

  8. WeeGee says:

    More weegee hugs xoxo

  9. Come and swim awhile in a safe bay I know of, when you are ready. The waves are lulling and calming. Your are amongst friends here, who are watching out for all of you. As you do with us. Sending lots of puffin love. xx

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