It’s been a while. It all looks a bit different. I thought it was about time I dipped my toe back in.
I’m still me, and by that I mean I’m still crazy. There are still triggers and flashbacks, there are arguments in my brain, voices telling me to kill myself, moments where this all doesn’t seem real, moments where nothing matters at all and moments of everything matters so much it hurts. This is me, this is my normal. I’m coming to terms with it, still. It’s a work in progress. But before I launch into all that crazy, I should probably do an update, because it’s been a while.
University is almost at the end. Lessons have finished, all essays are handed in, now I just have to pass the written and practical exams. This is easier said than done. Balancing learning and crazy is not always easy, as depending on the type of crazy i.e. whether it is functional crazy or not, can never be estimated. I’m not sure how I managed to do a whole Post Graduate Diploma with Borderline Personality Disorder (and all the crap thats gone with it), but I did it. There are so many times I almost quit, because it seemed more trouble than it was worth, what with balancing the crazies up at the same time, but I’m glad I did it. In some ways I think it kept me alive in the really bad moments, because I didn’t want to leave my work unfinished.
I think now I need a new goal to work on. Whether it’s painting or learning something new, or both, I don’t know yet, I just need something to aim towards. I think this always helps, it gives me something relatively healthy to obsess over.
My new job is not going too bad. I suppose when you work in a place which is large enough and there are lots of people there are personality clashes. Some people are nice, some I don’t get, some I don’t trust and some are on my wavelength. I try to stay out of all of the work politics stuff. I don’t want to over-complicate things. If there is an argument or disagreement I don’t get involved, because I can’t get involved without it adversely affecting my mental health. I worry that sometimes I am distant from the rest of the group, but when it comes to the nursing, I am hardly distant at all (I can’t say never since I still have my “run away and hide”, usually accomapanied by “clean ALL the things!” days) and we all work as a team so it doesn’t really matter.
Compared to my last job, I feel more relaxed here because there is no constant bullying, arguments and I actually feel valued.
There are people from my old life who I miss every day, Jenny is one, C is another (although I try not to think about him or I get triggered), some I don’t miss at all (my old Head Nurse who was the bully) and some I miss, even though I can see how screwed up everything was (W and Helenna, mostly). There are some I’m deathly confused about, so instead of face up to it, I try to bury it all deep, deep down in the hope that one day they will sort themselves out (or manifest themselves into new and improved mental illnesses).
I’m lucky that Jenny is still a constant in my life, as well as Alex, when he is in the country. Everyone else just leaves eventually. I also feel lucky that I have my mental friends forever I made here in blogland. I count you all as a true, constant friends now I now you personally and you have helped me over the past few months!
Therapy is a bit balls. Since CBT/DBT finished at the beginning of the year I have psychotherapy once every six weeks. It helps, it’s better than nothing, but I still think I could’ve done with a bit longer on the CBT front. I felt like CBT was more helpful that psychotherapy because it was more structured and weekly. Psychotherapy seems to me too much like just talking about the things that pop into your brain, during the sessions that you hardly ever get, and feels like it doesn’t really solve anything.
Since my Nan died at the end of last year my brother has moved out. It’s a bit weird that he has moved into her house, I haven’t been there since she died because, I don’t know, I’m not sure how I feel about it. It’s her house, it always will be. I don’t like the idea of him moving her stuff out and replacing it with his own. But it’s not like she needs any of it. It’s quieter at home without him, but I like it. I like quiet.
The others are still here, but it’s mostly me at the front. I don’t mind this because with the CBT we did have we learnt to work and function a bit better as a whole person rather than parts.
I have not been on any more dates. My life plan now is to grow old, live on a beach and be a mad cat/dog/rabbit/everything else lady.
I have not had a holiday in eight months and I’ve only had one hair cut. My car has broken down zero times, but someone decided to park in the boot, so now it has a massive dent in it.
I still have four rabbits and my parents won’t let me have a dog. I’m scared I’m going to live with my parents forever.
Everything else is still pretty much the same. I’m still a sailor, nurse, painter, writer, pirate, mermaid. I go mental every so often so I have no idea what I’m thinking about or who is even doing the thinking. I somehow get up to go to work everyday, and everyday I fall back into bed wondering how I made it through yet another day. I still hope that one day it will feel better.
Love Sailor xox