I hate that I want everyone to like me.
My mind is so confusing I don’t think I can begin to explain this one, although I’m sure there are other people who feel the same way.
I’m aware that personality clashes mean that not everyone is liked or likable.
Sometimes, with the BPD, I feel like I don’t have a personality, even though I’m sure I have one. I can be defined by the thing I like, the people I interact with, my life experiences, my dislikes. Yet sometimes I still feel the big fat empty lack of personality.
Sometimes, with the BPD, I soak up other people’s personalities. I don’t mean to, but when you aren’t feeling yourself it is easy to be a social butterfly when you absorb other people like a sponge. I try to be mindful. I try to accept that my feelings of lack of personality make me want to consume other peoples. I try to be aware that I am my own person and I can know what I like and dislike.
I hate that sometimes, because I want to be liked and accepted, I pretend to like things I don’t. I know I’m doing it. I have no excuse. Now I know I do it, I do it a lot less, but I still feel guilty about it because I don’t want to be a liar and then my brain won’t shut up.
I also sometimes say things other people want to hear, just to make them happy, so they don’t feel bad. Not major lies, but things like “Yes, your dress looks lovely,” when I’m asked, even if it is bloody horrible. If someone said I looked horrible I’d be broken. So I don’t say it. Maybe I don’t believe people when they give me compliments because I lie and I’m afraid they will lie.
I hate that I want to be liked and accepted, even by the people I don’t necessarily like, but it’s not as simple as that.
There are people who I genuinely, genuinely like. I can be honest with them and I trust them and I don’t try to be them, because they know the real me.
There are people I dislike, just because they seem to have characteristics that seem negative, for example they bully or belittle, they are selfish, cruel or egotistical, things I find repulsive in a human, even though I can understand why these personality traits may have arisen. I can think of a few names that I won’t mention here because it is irrelevant. But when I spend time with them, I find I like them more, even though I know I don’t like them, and I still want to be liked by them.
Again, I over think things.
I don’t want to be disliked, but it’s thoughts like this that make me worry that I am secretly unlikable, and eventually people will find out that I don’t have a personality, sometimes I lie to certain people about things so they will like me, and then they won’t like me, so I might as well go and hide somewhere so no one can know me.
Love Sailor xox