I don’t know what happened. Writers block or something. But it always felt wrong here anyway. I never quite got into being Bonjour Marin. I am Hello Sailor, and since what happened there, and my trust was broken, I never quite got over it. Now any domain I choose to hide in doesn’t feel right. I don’t feel like me. Even now I am not me. But I need to write, so I need to try.
It is true that I am scared of people knowing the real me. The real me is a broken, distorted person, covered over by the façade of a Sailor, even in real life, although she has different names. Sometimes her and I and all the others merge into one. I am getting used to this mingle of managing all of the different personalities, but again I’m afraid that letting them all be who they are means I am not normal. I don’t aspire to be normal, I just want to be treated that way, no better, no worse than anyone else.
There are so many words in my brain, but I try to be mindful and “in the moment”, as I was taught by various therapists. If I’m in the moment and the moment is bad, I will not always be in the moment. I believed the fact that I was not in the moment any more meant it did not matter, but I think it was wrong. Everything I was taught in therapy I probably perceived as something else because of my broken borderline brain. When the moment has passed there are shadows of feelings that need to be dealt with. I don’t know if I’m supposed to talk about them or wait for them to fade. I no longer have therapy. I have no one to ask.
I am lonely without you, but my broken brain can only deal with the mundane task of running day-to-day tasks at the moment. After all, I am trying to live in my moment, even if my moment lingers and I can’t decide what to do with it.
I don’t know if I’m back forever or just for this day. Perhaps I’ll ease myself in slowly, because this still doesn’t seem right.